December 14, 2006

The State of the William Address 2006 (the shakedown version)

Greetings, my people. This has been a busy year for your boy, Will Wash. A lot of good things have happened since the last address. I have accomplished some of my life goals, met new people, and grew as person. Many of you were with me along the way and I love you for that. This is an official thank you. So let’s get started.

Here’s a Metro story. I was on the train because my car was in the shop. Ya’ll know my joint is three spinner hub caps away from being a big wheel. You remember those joints? Now they were tight. You used to stand on the back of it and kicking with one leg coasting down hills. Even the fattest boy in the hood would take a turn on the big wheel. It was made strong. Kicking on it, had that one leg real strong after a while. Imaging riding one of them to work instead of a car or bike, that one leg would be strong as shit. You’ll have one Popeye leg. One muscle leg, one chicken leg – a carry-out two piece.

Anyway, I was on the subway. I sat next to this girl that looked real professional-like. When I say professional-like, I’m not talking about 14th street professional. Not a “where my money at bitch”, but more like a DC area bougie girl. I try hard to avoid bougie people in my life. Seriously, I rather talk to the crazy homeless guy that prefers to shadow box at bus stops and wears a permanent cologne that smells like stale calamari, then hold a conversation with someone that thinks they are truly better than me. I’m not always in good mood but I was and I didn’t want to judge so I tried to make small talk. Long story short, she had attitude. I asked her what she did for a living. She said was Secret Agent and couldn’t talk to me. So I told her she must suck because she wasn’t very secretive. I had to carry her because back she tried to carry me. Fucking smart asses. Boy and girl, today’s lesson is don’t be a smart ass. Fuck her.

Often I have been described as being an angry man. I do have a little angry in my life, but I’ve narrowed it don’t to the exact group of people I don’t like. Others. It’s everybody other than me. Like the guy or gal, that can’t say a simple “thanks” when you hold the door for them. Those people are dicks. Like me holding the door open for them is a given. Like, I am supposed to be that chump that is in charge of holding the door for assholes. Come on, who was your mother? Was she some kind of animal? Were you raised by a wild trash digging raccoons? We civilized people say “thank you” when someone does something nice for us. Fuck ‘em.

A lot of times it the little things at get to you. Like when you say something like, “Hey, I like your shoes, where you get those from?” And they give you some bullshit answer like, “Oh, they don’t make these anymore.” What?! That ain’t what I asked your ass. What you scared, I’m going to buy some? Or they’ll say like “you can’t buy them in the US.” What kind of shit is that? Bitch I ain’t trying to be your twin. People acting like is beyond me. Why do people hate for no reason, shit like that pisses me off. Well, I got news for you. I can go into any deli and order a club sandwich AND, get this; I’m not even a member. AND they even give me a pickle and an extra cut in the sandwich. How you like them apples. So, fuck you.

People can be real simple sometimes. I went in to a store. And I asked the lady behind the counter (in English) how much for a bottle of water? She says two and then proceeds to raise up two fingers towards me. I’m like wtf (what the fuck), I’m a geek so I actually said W.T.F. Now, was I so retarded that I needed to her visually show me the number two? It wasn’t like she was throwing up the peace sign either, that would be cool. I never claimed to be really smart or anything, but come the fuck on. Maybe that’s how she remembers the prices, on her fingers. I feel sorry for her then. What if it was $1.50? Was she going to do stick up one finger and half the middle? Fuck her, too.

Let me get serious for a minute and hit a topic I never covered in any of the other State of the William Addresses, finding your mate. Ohhh, touchy subject…yea, I know. Don’t worry this is not be a list of what I looking for, because I really don’t know, except you have to a natural born woman – no after Thursday’s surgery I’ll be woman then type shit. For the slow people, basically, no chicks with dicks. Now, I’m not knocking it because some people like it (Flava Flav), but it just ain’t for me. I need to talk to all the people out there saying that there say they need a “good” man or woman. Don’t jump ahead of me. I’m got going to say there is no good men or women out there, I going say you need to stay away from them. Don’t be messing them up with your problems. If you ain’t a good catch then why do you need a good catch? Let the good men and good women get together and have good families. People stop messing up happy homes. Your ass need to be with other fucked up people like you. If your ass has issues like trust, mental instability, or criminal tendencies, stay away from the good people! Don’t bring them down with you. You know their good ass is going to try to save you.

To many people think they are good catches when they are not. First fellas, being light skinned when light skinned guys are in-style do not automatically make you a good catch. If you are crazy then you are not a good catch for anybody, period. Nothing runs a man away faster than a crazy woman. Granted crazy women do run the fastest, and that’s why there are a lot of these brothers sitting at home unhappy because they caught by a crazy woman. Having six college degrees don’t automatically make you a good catch, it just means you ass likes to read and it’s a warning that you might be know it all and everyone hates know it alls. People are not Scantron sheets and common sense is worth more points in the real world. And come on dudes having a good job don’t make you a good catch either. But it does put you about 5 miles in front of the guy without a J.O.B. Also these cock diesel independent women really threading a thin line. It’s great to be able to take of yourself, but some of yall sometimes take it too far. Bodybuilding is a quick way to scare away men. It’s nice you can pick up 180lbs…I guess. But if you really wanna be picking up stuff, you should go pick up another girl for him. Guys, being prettier than females don’t make you a good man, it’s makes you gay. If yall got to fight over the mirror in the bathroom, it’s not going to work. Remember, a man stills needs be a man. Let’s get personal for a sec, no kids. Sorry, but it’s that simple. There is nothing wrong with having kids, but to consider yourself a good catch you got to drop ‘em. No dude wants to take care of another guy’s kid. A real good guy will accept a woman with kids but you need to stay way from him. Good guys need to procreate with any other good woman to have kids that will grow up to be good people and instead of taking care of your bad ass kids who will grow up to be just like their daddy. Men like sex but a good guy can’t take on a Poke-cahontas or any of her tribe, the Hava-hoes. Finally, if you’re a dicktease then you’re the hated the most out of all and you should never consider yourself a good catch. If you ever gave a dude blue balls, I’m talking about you. Guns don’t kill people, blue balls kills people. Just know there is special place in hell for you beside Osama bin laden. Women with sex issues otherwise forces good guys to him look somewhere else eventually. The word is balance. If you don’t have balance your not a good catch. If you’re insecure, ain’t anybody trying to spend the rest of their life trying to make YOU feel good about YOURSELF. You need to help yourself (no pun intended). Having a rack of kids is problem. That means you got a lot of issues and bills. If you got multiple baby mommas, then you need to take whoever will take you and stay with her ass, retire the dicking around, and stop ruining the world with your seed. If you know you a dog then fronting like you a good guy. There are female dogs out there for the male dogs, they are called bitches. So you need to take your pitbull hunter ass on and stop ruining the females. If you are nasty then you know you’re wrong. If you never need to put tarter sauce on your fish sticks because you believe the tarter control in toothpaste selection is optional, you classified as a nasty sonabitch. Stay away from the good people. Also in that category is the women that let a guy get by with believing you were a freak because he found what looked to be like leopard print underwear in your room. But in reality, they were only just dirty. Girl, you are nasty. If fit in any of the descriptions, we should never hear you complain about wanting a good significant other, because you don’t deserve one. So, fuck off.

Your boy,
Will Wash

December 13, 2006

The State of the William Address 2006 (the re up version)

Greetings, my people. This has been a busy year for your boy, Will Wash. A lot of good things have happened since the last address. I have accomplished some of my life goals, met new people, and grew as person. Many of you were with me along the way and I love you for that. This is an official thank you. And in thanks, this year I’m not going to directly talk about any of your asses. Ok sorry in advance for not proof reading, I need to get this out before the New Year. So let’s get started.

Let’s talk vocabulary. I’m not a big fan of the new internet/text messaging languages these young people are using. Using the number 3 for the letter E and $ for S annoys the hell out me. I think my age is starting to show, because I’m starting to tell Al Bundy back in the day stories. I’m a child of the 80’s, so I hate anime. I like thundercats, he-man, and gi-joe. Anime is water down Japanese porn for pedophiles. It really is that simple. I don’t like the kids growing up watching that crap. No one has been able to explain to me why the cartoons have children faces with adult bodies. That just ain’t right. That’s on that Michael Jackson nonsense. And what hell is Dragonball Z? That show makes no fucking sense all. What the Japanese people find entertaining scares me. It just might be a country full of perverted men. It just might. As you can tell I’m not a Japanese crap whore. You know one of the immature adults that love everything Japanese.

Has been on any of nerd forum recently? Probably not. This is how they type: “OMG WTF N00B! ps3 and xbox 360 fanboys = gay. Wii will pwn3d them with teh nunckuk controller. I’m so 1337 with teh nunckuk.” This is not new stuff but gayness is on the rise. And I’m not talking about homosexuals; I’m talking about gay ass behavior from people like fanboys. A fanboy is a man or woman(fangirl) that is far beyond a simple fan. Basically, they are the ultimate dick riders. These the people that go to concerts and get near the star and faint, or start fights because someone doesn’t think their star is the great person to ever live. Now they are more noticeable because of the internet. Like Jay-Z, Beyonce, and Kobe got a bunch of them. I’m sure if one of their testicles was to drop too low, I’m sure one of these bitches will be there to catch it. I got news for yall fans they really suck. I can’t see myself sweating someone and I get nothing out of it. The only thing you should love without question is God. Fuck the stars. I loathe star struck people, they are Stans. Male groupies are the worst. People, please learn to separate the man from the music otherwise you look stupid liking something just because the star of the week made it. There is universal name for mindless creatures, “sheep.” Because all cultures know that sheep need guidance and they will follow anything.

Let me hit yall with some words and definitions because I know yall motherfucker is getting old like me. “Wrinkle your shirt” – to jack you up. A “goer” - A female that is very sexually active. “Lovin” - the act of talking on the phone or internet with a significant other or flirting with him/her. “Goose” - A goose is a person who acts different towards a particular someone of the opposite sex in certain social situations, like staring. One in the act of being a goose is thus, “goosing.”

Let’s talk, MySpace. It’s so big I don’t where to start. It is huge. At first I was against it. I was like, “I ain’t trying to pick up no 15 year old girls.” After find my boy Derek and his group on there, I signed up to be part of the “movement.” That’s all it takes. If you ain’t looking for people they will find you. Unfortunately, that mean stalkers too. I ain’t saying names because she’s still lurking in the dark corners of the internet, saving meaningless emails and posting ugly ass pictures that can only be classified as graphitti. The MySpace UMCP people know who I’m talking about, because apparently she was all of our friends, even though no one remembers her ass. But it is still good to link up with people I ain’t seen in years and see them doing well. Shout out to Keya and the all former Terp Cheerleaders. I think we all need to get a little of that “fear the turtle” money.

Not only has MySpace been a great tool for contact but it has been an endless source of entertainment. First off, I leave the best comments on people’s page. I challenge you to find someone better at it. Second, the music and videos are good time wasters and help me keep up the good shit. Home of Prison Break reshows, and off brand artists. I’ll hear someone on a mix tape and I can find the artist on MySpace, even the MySpace haters have to admit that’s kind of cool. It’s no secret that the artist themselves actual be using MySpace. The Game found his long lost sister on it. Finally, there is a million bammas on here. I mean “a gang of them.” This is a place where bammas can get their bamma on. Why did this one bamma steal Rick’s picture and tried to front like it was him. Using someone else’s picture to holla at girls online, who does that? Bammas, that’s who. Ok, here some more bamma shit. Big girls taking slick photos. Why all the weird camera angles? Using a camera phone to take a high 70 degree angle shot from the side, while not looking at the camera, what are you suppose to be doing? Modeling? Oh hell no. What models have you been looking at do that? One thing, models don’t have to hide their face. Stop misleading the other MySpace bammas, who I’m going to get on in a second. These same angle photo flick takers (I say flick, just for Meraf, because the rest of world say, pics. I like to compare it to Indian people saying G.B’s for gigabytes), are known for using the big girl cleavage to hide the jelly rolls and fat installations beneath. I’m hating on it, because it is smart to use camera tricks on medium to large size titties to hide the fact your fat in a photo. I can respect that, because everyone don’t know how to use photoshop to lie on photos. The reason these girls are hiding their big bonedness is to attract these other MySpace bammas called “Lovers.” They are not just on MySpace, I first seen these people on Black Planet and then Facebook, but MySpace has the largest collection of them. We called them Facebook Lovers. Because they be lovin’. If your profile says female then they wanna love you. They are the internet players and don’t care how you look. She can be 3 and a quarter feet tall with a linebacker neck, be rocking a peg leg with three fingers on one hand and four on the other, plus have half an eye and be missing the two big front teeth, and he will still leave comments on her picture like, “emm girl, you bringing sexy back.” or “look at you, all grown and sexy.” That IS just wrong! Who does that?! Bammas, that’s who. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on the handicap girl. I am really hating on the dudes that do that. Only say it, only if you know it and mean it. Plus, we all know there AIN’T ANYTHING sexy about missing fingers. I’m hating on anybody that displays that say anything for the pussy behavior. Because hyping shitty ass people DOES have it’s side effects. Some of us don’t deal well with ugly people acting like their cute (I’ll let a bitch know).

I hate a motherfucker ( it sounds like I’m beginning to rant) that thinks they’re God’s gift to the world, when we all know God only gave on two gifts, Jesus and me. Humility is an asset. Anyway, I can go on for days about MySpace, because I ain’t even started talking about the MySpace goers. I’ll have to save them whores for another day.

So many big things happened this year! The nation finally woke up and voted right. Flava Flav hooked up with a bruised up transvestite. If Deelishis ain’t a tranny with a phat ass then that’s one hella ugly ass girl and therefore Flava must be love. Go Flav with that “Jerry Springer love,” that type of love knows no boundaries like gender. Rumor has it Flav knocked up some other chick in between the Flavor of Love seasons. I guess he was on the prowl after Hoopz won and left him for better celebrity dick. Word you say? Word. Wikipedia, “After she won she left Flav she said in an interview that ‘It was a competition and everybody wanted to win’ At the reunion special they gave the reason ‘She's too busy’. She is also a supreme slut, she has had sexual intercourse with a number of rappers including Slim Thug from Houston Texas. Rumor has it that she has contracted AID's from her many sex capades. It is also said that hoopz is a supreme lesbian, and frequents herself from many different women.” I’m know, damn. Wikipedia is going on this one. I don’t know what to believe.

Brittany Spears got turned out and then came to her senses. Brittany got hit with an NBA hooper move. Fucked with a groupie and had a baby. Now that bamma is in there like swimwear for the rest of his life. It’s her own damn fault for messing with a dude that would drop his pregnant baby momma with the quickness. Anway before the break up, Brittany and Kevin was only one drug away from hitting Bobby and Whitney status. I could see Brittany’s ass high on TV talking about K-Fed was the King of Rap.

Racism seems to refuses to die. And I’m not just talking about Kramer’s crazy ass. However, Kramer’s rant did come out a little too smoothly for me to think that is wasn’t really in him. Racism is not dead; it’s just under the surface waiting to be unleashed. All the free flowing of the N word by everyone is bothering me too. I know use is freely, because one, I have the right. I am a descendant of American slaves and there is even some white plantation own blood in me too. Secondly, I can’t help it has been a part of my vocab for my entire life. But I am seriously reconsidering my language usage, because to many people don’t get it and a lot of foreigner pick it up without know the full meaning or history. And lets be honest, nothing pisses a person off more than someone else using a word wrong or having a vocabulary of word they don’t know the meaning of, that’s discombobulating.

Also look at the immigration issue. I’m not for letting aliens run around and impregnate humans with their alien seeds, that’s what Mulder and Scully were here to stop. but I see what I can only classify as hatred towards latinos people by some people. When you got a cushy office job at some TV show; I really don’t think your anger is about them stealing your job. Not to mention the Jews. You can kind see how silly racism looks in the Borat movie.

Truthfully, it’s about power. Now this all kind of goes back to the N-word. Some people in our country, I’m saying any group names, is used to being in power and having things their way. Also some new people to this country think that everything is equal, free, and up for grabs. Both are wrong. There is still stuff you can not say or do, just because you’re not allowed to or not suppose to- no reason needed. People think it’s a fair world but it’s not. Just because I say something doesn’t automatically mean, you’re allowed to say it too.

Double standards exist because of differences and past history. Just because a woman is allowed to almost everything a man is allowed to do, does not mean you treat a woman like a man. You still open doors and let women go first. It called double standards. Don’t be jealous because women get certain things their way, which is because men get other things their way. It’s a balance. I would like to blow a million dollars on one hand in blackjack but I can’t and it’s not fair that some other son of a billionaire can. But that is the world we live in. It’s not equally. If the world was fair then there would be no poor people and everyone would be equally educated.

So don’t be jealous that black people get to use the n-word because that is something that is, like it or not, part their (the African American culture and that’s not all black people either) cultural history. With being part of a group you get both positive and negative aspects of that group. So if you’re an outsider posing as an insider, what happens? You are disliked, rejected, or even hurt. Basically, using the n-word in certain audiences will get your face removed, so you don’t use it around them. It’s their word, it’s another name for them, but you don’t use it around them. However, you do use it at home or front for your friends. Take Paris Hilton, for example. We all know she’s a slut, but that’s not the point. It’s well documented that uses the n-word and has in the past referred black people as that, but she never uses it in their presence. And she has even came out and she has and will never say it in front of her best friend Nichole Richie. Is there not something wrong in that? That’s where the problem is.

It’s believe that other races want to use the word because Black people do and they are so cool and I wanna be cool like them. The most common excuse is, “they use it.” Let me hit you with the mom joint, “If Eric was jumping off a building, would you do it too?” No, why? I understand, African Americans are the most emulated people in the world you don’t have to do everything they do. I don’t see you asking the police to pull you over for no reason because you wanna be black. Back to my point about the n-word and power (I know I’m all over the place but that’s a State of the William Address), that word has power in both a positive and negative way. One thing is a given. It is unique because there no other words like it in the English language in regards to its power and. That is because of history. That is no other people in this country’s short history that went through what African Americans went through in the past 400 years. Some people had it rough here and bad else where, but it not same. Where did oppressed African American have to go to make a better life for themselves and children? There was no USA version 2 to immigrate to. And what did African American do? The over came their environment of slavery and not being treated a equal by the country, not just other people but the country and the laws. Yea, running to another country sounds like good option but their no other Americans to go to. Throughout African American history they have been oppressed until recently. Together American, meaning blacks and whites, has become a place of acceptance for all people. And there is an understanding among older black and whites that there are two different worlds with in our one world. We’d share some things and keep separate others.

Now a day, the US is no longer just black and white and that’s a good thing. But other groups of people and young people are try to make a place for themselves or fit in. More fit in. And these new Americans (meaning families that immigrated with in past 50 years or so) messed out on the negative times in this country’s history of race. And they don’t clearly understand why things are the way they are. This idea clear when the concept of being a minority is lost on a minority. Ask an Asian kid if he is a minority, they’ll probably quickly say no, like it’s a bad thing to be a minority. Ask the same question to a Latino kid and they say yes. This shows two things. One, race is not as big as it used to be. And that’s great. Two, the two main groups of just blacks and whites have expanded. Statically, if you’re non-white in the US you’re a minority. If you’re mixed, you are whatever you want to be except for white. Sorry, that’s the rules, your still a minority in the US. Latino tend to association along the lines of African American because to social and economic similarities. Basically, they relate through the struggle. Even though in some parts of the country statically Latinos maybe the majority, but they think and act as a minority.

This goes back to two different groups in America. Most kids have never experience deliberate racism and are not racist, but they still use racist words. That’s because they don’t know, ignorance. And that is a problem, because the so called times of racism in the US only ended 45-50 years ago. Meaning, the people that lived through it and dealt with is still alive and the past is not really the past because it really hasn’t past. So when it comes to the n-word, it all depends on not so much how it is used, but in who is using it. In a weaker logic it’s like the word bitch, cunt, or faggot except will more power and lesser global acceptance. Each of those words has restrictions on who should be able to use the word positively; such as gender and sexual orientation, but the distinctions of races are more volatile then either of those because of history racism in the US, which seems to be lost on the immigrants and young generations. How do we stop it? I don’t know, but I do know I still like have things that are just for me, because I know can’t have everything everyone else has culturally. I know I will never ever be able to completely relate to a holocaust survivor so I have to respect that. So when it comes to the n-word show respect. It’s that simple. Racism is not dead. Hip Hop is more dead than racism.

Enough of the real talk…Hold on. Who in the hell came up with the phrase “real talk”? I hate it. I feel like people that need to say real talk are liars. Because, one, they don’t normally tell the truth and now they need you to believe them. Or two, they really want to believe their lie and saying real talk to makes the lie more believable. I guess back are the days of, “I swear on my momma’s dead body.”

Your boy,
Will Wash