December 30, 2005

Peter Jackson's King Kong

Peter Jackson’s King Kong reminded me of why I rarely watch the old versions of the movie. I like King Kong the animal but I prefer the Godzilla movies. King Kong vs Godzilla is a classic and I still think to this day that King Kong won, so you know King Kong ain’t no bitch. That’s my dog. My problem with the King Kong movie is that I’m too empathic. I feel sorry for the gorilla, which translates into anger towards the rest of the people in the movie. Being it was a Peter Jackson piece and his history in my eyes, I was mad at the white people in the movie. It had me talking to the screen. Why? Why do you need to take that animal out of it’s natural habitat? Honestly what were the best and worst-case scenarios for bring it to the states? Best case is that it becomes a well behaved display monkey that you can show off for the rest of it’s life. Worst case is that the gorilla goes crazy and you have to kill it. Lose – lose situation for the gorilla, just because some rich white people wanna see a monkey on Broadway (If they really wanted a monkey on Broadway just give Michael Jackson a one man show). King Kong was a king on his island but they had to bring him to America to be a slave. I feel for my man, King Kong. Another thing that hurts is that it gives ammo to those black women (I heard them in the theater) who like to say, “See that’s what happens when you mess with them white women.” “This is worst than what happen to Denzel in Man on Fire, you see how loving that little white girl got him killed.” Now these people have at least three good cases they can pull on at any time: OJ, Kobe, and now King Kong.

December 29, 2005

Behind the Scenes of The Deal

The behind the scene shit is real funny. Let me know when you do something else. I got you.

The Deal

Some friends of mine put together a video for a class. I tried to help out a little. It turned out aight. The concept is real cool. Here a copy of the video ("The Deal") and the behind the scenes. Big ups to Pete, Dan, Bhaarat, and Sapan on a job well done on your first ever video attempt. The behind the scene shit is real funny. Let me know when you do something else. I got you.

December 28, 2005

Peter Jackson Get Some Cool Points

I love the Lord of the Ring movies but Peter Jackson lost a lot of cool points with me. I have all the 4 disc versions of the movies and watched them numerous times. Pete Jack lost points with me because in all of the movies there were no black people and I saw one Asian dude riding the war elephant. So you are trying to tell me that in the “world of man” there are elf, dwarfs, orcs, and talking trees but no black people. Come on, Pete. You could of put at least one, especially if you got fucking talking trees and ring obsessed gremlins. And the black ass orcs are not what I mean. Anyway P.J. made up for it in King Kong, the black dude in that was my man. He was the best person to me, looking out for that little white boy like that. That was some good shit; I was feeling it. Later I’ll give my impressions on King Kong later, cause the story had me mad.

December 08, 2005

The Snow Is The Worst

One reason I hate driving is because to many people have licenses. The snow makes it worst. The dumb ass drivers are easier to spot. Like in the car in the picture. Dumb ass. Don’t you think it’s worth the extra minute to clear off your rear and side windows? You know she is a dumb ass driver because she has no intentions of using her rear view mirror while driving, that's an accident waiting to happen. SHE IS DANGEROUS. Wonder how I got such a good shot of the car? Because, the bitch cut me off. And the dumb ass was riding with her parking lights on (meaning her headlights were not on either). Some one please take her license.

December 03, 2005

The Game's New DVD

Apparently, there is a new Hip Hop DVD out with the Game talking about 50 and the G-Unit. Supposedly Game tries track down 50 across the country for answers and ends up outside 50’s CT home. Sounds interesting, but still not worth 20 dollars. I never was a big fan of hip-hop soap operas, hoperas. I’m trying to find a copy for the beef lovers out there.

December 01, 2005

Dec. 1, 1955: Don't Forget it

Today marks the start of 1955’s Montgomery Bus Boycott. It is hard to believe that is was only 50 years ago when America was treating Black people like shit. It was really not that long ago. It seems like it was ages ago that all the Civil Rights stuff happening. But it was only 50 years ago, Black people were told to move their monkey ass to the back of the bus. Many of the people that lived then are still alive. My father reminded me that when he was a kid he had to fear white boys in pick-up trucks, had to enter the movies through the colored people door, and drink from the colored people only water fountain. The hard question is, have people’s beliefs changed? And how much have they changed? I hope so. I tell you, it feels good to be able ride on the bus and scare white people by sitting beside them. It’s a pleasure. My grandparents fought hard for that right. And the most important right of all is being able to tell anyone, anyone, that asks me to move out of my bus seat to kiss my black ass. Thank you, Rosa Parks. We Love You.

P.S. All you other non-white races need to thank her too, because your ass would be treated like shit too.

November 29, 2005

State of the William Address 2005

Greetings, my people.

I know it’s been a long time since my last address. A nigga has been fairly busy, with not much to say. But I cannot let a year go by without an address because it just wouldn’t be right. If you are reading this then you might notice that it is not in the form of an email. I got this blog site now. Tight huh? No? Fuck you then. I love most technology. And this is some underground geek shit. As some of you know, I wanted write a book, but that is to much work for a nigga on an 8th grade writing level. So I started a blog.

A blog is a website for which an individual or a group generates text, photographs, video, audio files, and/or links, typically but not always on a daily or otherwise regular basis (Wikipedia, ).

It can be used for headline news, entertainment news, or editorials. It’s like an online journal but not a journal or diary because they are pretty gay. Blogs are public forums for people to run their mouth. What I like about it is the multimedia aspects of the Internet. If you believe getting on the Internet is a great way to get on the net, then you deserve a “limp dick slap.” Please stop reading now; this site is not for you.

Now that the idiots are gone, have you ever heard of podcasting? No? That’s ok. I know niggas are new to com-pu-ters and they are easily confused by them.

Podcasting is a term used to describe a collection of technologies for automatically distributing audio and video programs over the internet using a publisher/subscriber model. It differs from earlier online collections of audio or video material because it automatically transfers materials to the user's computer for later consumption; it is one example of push technology. Podcasting enables independent producers to create self-published, syndicated "radio shows," and gives broadcast radio or television programs a new distribution method (Wikipedia, ).

What about the iPod? Do you know what that is? Yea- it’s the white walkman 50 cent had in his video. Anyway, iPods are mp3 players and they use iTunes software instead of windows media player. You can use iTunes to automatically subscribe to my page. Most bloging, podcasting, vlog sites are boring (except “The Family Guy”), but you definitely can see the potential for it to catch on. Personally, I like being able to combine text, audio, and video to give the full Will Wash experience.

First let give credit to Dan for the name of the site, “They Hate Me Because I Ask The Hard Questions.” The hard questions are the hows and the whys. The perfect example was earlier today when I was watching Maury. I know, I know… But it’s like watching a car accident; you just can’t look away. Anyway it’s was a ho-ish girl episode. This chick gets on TV talking about how she loves her boyfriend and they plan to get married soon but she had to tell a secret first. I know… I’m thinking the same thing, her ugly ass was lucky enough to get a nigga to promise marry her ass, she need to keep her mouth shut and run with it. But nah, she cheated and wanted him to know that the baby may not be his before they got married. Come on… Now she needed a “limp dick slap” too. Maury should have given it to her. But here is the hard questions; one, why are you telling him now on public TV? Two, if you love him so much why did you cheat on him? And why don’t you know who the real father is? Now you know, I got “the gift and the curse” of a wild imagination. I’m watching TV thinking, this bitch’s excuse has got to be good. Something like this, “Ray Ray never likes to try new things. I couldn’t help myself. I was over Craig’s and dem house, drinking and shit. Next thing I know, I got four guys standings around me their dicks outs. Each way different and they all look so good; so I had to try ‘em out. I counldn't help myself. The dicks were calling me. Ray Ray never invites his boys over to run trains on me. I just wanted to try something new, Maury.” And Maury loves up that ho-ish behavior. He’ll ask Ray Ray some shit, “How do you feel after 8 years of loving and paying child support on a little nigga that even yours?” The best part is how he asks the audience who the baby looks like, like there is an audience full of experts in baby looks. If I was Ray Ray, I’d be like, “Bitch. you lucky you ain’t take me on Jerry Springer. I’m fitting to whoop you and Maury’s ass up in here. Embarrassing me in front of my family and friends.” Maury really does deserve a punch in the face. Yes, in the face. A punch, right there, square in-the-face.

I think, I’m a pretty good tipper. I like to give 20% to 30%. I mean, come on, people are doing something I’m to lazy to do or don't want to do. I hate people that be like, “That their job.” Granted it, maybe it is their job but it also should be their job to treat you like shit for being you. I wish I had the opportunity, because that is what it is-an opportunity, to spit in somebody’s food or key his or her car for chumping me on a tip. I bet that shit feels real good. Let me ask yall this, should hookers be tipped for a job well done. I mean they are in service industry.

And why do people like Smallville? The show is stupid. I’ll tell you why I don’t like it. One, it’s a fucking soap opera. It’s like 90210 or Dawson’s Creek, it reeks of gayness. Secondly, they are fucking changing Superman’s history to meet their gaylike needs. This is on some geekynees but you got to be true to the comics. Fuck the TV audience if they are to stupid to read one line and look at the pretty pictures. Superman did not meet Lous Lane until he moved to Metropolis. Stop changing the history. Finally, Superman is a bitchass super hero anyway. The name Superman implies you are super. There is nothing super about that man. A real “super” man would whoop ass, this one doesn’t. Superman is always on brink of defeat before he comes back to win the fight. Triple H, The Rock, and the 1980's Hulk Hogan dominate more fights than he does. Shit Hulk Hogan body slammed Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania. Superman needs to get up on Hogan's level. A real “super” man has to be smart. Superman has never been that bright, he is constantly falling in to traps like a true dumb ass. A real “super” man would not be a pussy; he would beat up the pussy. Superman cannot even pull all the girls he wants. If he was a real super man there should be laws suits and criminal charges pressed against him by the millions of women crippled up in wheelchairs claiming he torn their back out. A real superman’s dick should be public enemy number 2, after Bin Laden of course, and illegal in 48 states. To tell the truth, I wouldn’t even want to be Superman; I'd be a better bad guy. And it’s too much pressure to live up to the Superman name. You have save people and shit. That’s to much pressure, plus I don’t even like most people. I’d have a Martin Lawrence/Dave Chappelle breakdown from all the pressure. Except, I wouldn’t go to Africa to clear my head up. No offense, but the Africa I see on TV is depressing. I’d go to the Philippines and stretch my dollar. I could get 10 pairs of Jordans, 3 whores that fuck for a buck and do something strange for some change, 2 mail order wives, and 3 months of the finest Cambodian breast milk all for 20 dollars. If you want a Black Friday deal, that’s what up.

Yall know, yall drove Dave Chappelle crazy, right. You people made him quit his show and I’m mad at yall for it. All of yall were on his nuts to hard. His body couldn’t take all the dick riders. The show was really funny but it wasn’t like it was the second coming of Christ. It wasn’t that serious. Imagine everywhere you go people are making the same lames ass jokes. He was probably wishing he never made the show. He had to leave the country just so he didn’t have to hear another motherfucker come up to him saying, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” We’re luck Dave didn’t kill somebody. Leave comedy to the professionals. And get over it, there are lots of funny shit out there, get over it. I love the Dave Chappelle Show, but wasn’t that serious. If you think that the Show was the best shit ever and is nothing better or will ever be, you need to be exposed to other shit. Also don’t tell anybody you think that way because you are a dick rider, a nut hugger, a sack lover, etc. And you need to stop your dick riding ways and keep that shit to yourself.

That’s it for now. Don’t forget to enter your email address on the right to subscribe and receive the new posts to your email. No junk mail or weak ass forwards will be sent to you, just my new posts, like the one I got lined up for next week. Also, check out the movies and what I'm listening to- it's the next best thing to the old Will Mixes. I will try to write regularly and add more videos when I can.

Your boy,
Will Wash

November 28, 2005

What I’m Listening To: 11-28-05

Will’s Mix – Click to Play. [53.1 MB]

Real Niggas - Notorious B.I.G.
Internet Going Nutz - Paul Wall
Smooth Operator - Paul Wall
I'm A Playa - Paul Wall feat. Three 6 Mafia
On Fire Freestyle - Bun B, Paul Wall and Middlefingaz
Free Pimp C - Bun B
Hold U Down - Bun B feat. Trey Songz, Mike Jones and Baby
What I Represent - Bun B
No More Drama Freestyle - Bun B and Chamillionaire
Spiders - Bun B, Mike Jones, and Middlefingaz
Draped Up (H-Town Mix) - Bun B feat. H-Town All Starz(Slim Thug, Chamillionaire, Paul Wall, Mike Jones, Z-Ro, and Lil Flip)
Over Here - Young Jeezy and Bun B
That's How Ya Feel - Young Jeezy
Look - Boyz N Da Hood
Lay It Down - Boyz N Da Hood
Stay Fly - Three 6 Mafia feat. Young Buck, Eightball, and MJG
Dont Violate - Three 6 Mafia feat. Frayser Boy
Roll With It - Three 6 Mafia feat. Project Pat
Stay Fly - Three 6 Mafia feat. Slim Thug, Trick Daddy, and Project Pat
This Is 50 - 50 Cent
When Death Becomes You - M.O.P. feat. 50 Cent
Have A Party - Mobb Deep feat. 50 Cent and Nate Dogg
Youz A Trick - Lil Flip
Grillz - Nelly feat. Paul Wall, Big Gip, and Ali
I'm a G - Noreaga feat. Pharrell
Can I Have It Like That - Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani
Breathe - Swollen Members feat. Nelly Furtado
Fireman - Lil Wayne
Run It (Remix) - Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana
I Love You (Remix) - Mary J. Blige feat. Smiff n' Wessun
Hate it Or Love it ( Official Remix ) - Mary J Blige feat. The Game
Still Tippin' (It's A Man's World Remix) - Mike Jones feat. Nicole Wray

Attention iTunes Users
This blog is setup as a podcast meaning you can have new music and videos automatically downloaded to your iTunes software as they come out with a one time set up. Just click on the xml button: on the right and then click on the "Subscribe with Yahoo! Music Engine/iTunes" button. Open the downloaded file. It is an iTunes file and it will add this site to your podcast directory.

Past Music

They Hate Me Because I Ask The Hard Questions: What I’m Listening To: 11-21-05

November 23, 2005

Sean P Diddy Combs Needs to Stop With the Proactiv Ads

Have yall seen the Diddy Proactiv ads? Why is that nigga doing Proactiv ads? That nigga had one pimple on the side of his face. Come on Diddy. Everybody else on the ads have real acme problems. One pimple is not an acme problem. The rest of the people get on the show with leper face thanking Proactiv for saving their social life and then here comes Diddy saying Proactiv got rid of his one pimple, thereby saving his life and letting him keep “his sexy.” Come on Diddy, get yourself together. The worst part is that Diddy’s pimple was in his beard, it could have been a hair or razor bump. And it would have went away on it’s on anyway. Diddy really hurts the company’s credibility. Leave it to Vanessa, Jessica, and Alicia please and Diddy, get your silly ass off TV.

November 21, 2005

What I’m Listening To: 11-21-05

Will’s Mix – Click to Play. [27.3 MB]
This is the songs that I am listening to in my car. A new segment I will try to update regularly.

Make It Work For Ya - Juelz Santana feat. Young Jeezy and Lil Wayne
There It Go (The Whistle Song) - Juelz Santana
It's Like Clockwork - Juelz Santana
Welcome to New York City - Cam'ron and Jay-Z
In Ya Face (Remix) - Ebony Eyez feat. Trina
Get Crunk Music - Jim Jones Feat. Juelz Santana and Cam'ron
Hey Papi - Jay-Z feat. Memphis Bleek and Amil
Gotta Getcha - Jermaine Dupri
Kryptonite - Big Boi Feat. Purple Ribbons Allstars
Git It - Bun B feat. Ying Yang Twins
I Don't Know Officer - 50 Cent Feat. Lloyd Banks, Prodigy, Spider Loc, and Ma$e
Hustler's Ambition - 50 Cent
Window Shopper - 50 Cent

Attention iTunes Users
This blog is setup as a podcast meaning you can have new music and videos automatically downloaded to your iTunes software as they come out with a one time set up. Just click on the xml button: on the right and then click on the "Subscribe with Yahoo! Music Engine/iTunes" button. Open the downloaded file. It is an iTunes file and it will add this site to your podcast directory.

A New Type of Slap

I heard the funniest thing; I’ma share it. First let me say I do not condone violence towards women nor do I condone disrespectful and dumb ass behavior. And I don’t think you should ever slap a man; you should just punch them in the face and fuck their face up. Anyway, as you know there is the “pimp slap” and there is the “bitch slap”. The “pimp slap” uses the back of the hand and it is reserved for females that get out of hand. While the “bitch slap” uses the front of the hand and it’s is reserved for sassing females with loose lips. Also it the slap commonly preferred by women for use. But what about the females that are not quite out of line but say something so dumb your like, “what the fuck?!” There is new slap for those situations. It’s called the “limp dick slap.” Next time some dumb chick says something like, “I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada” in a conversation. Stop everything, drop your drawls, wipe it out and give her a “limp dick slap” for saying something so stupid. I bet she never say something that stupid in front of you again.

November 19, 2005

Humbling Dream

I had of those awaking dreams this morning. A dream so crucial that it wakes you up before you want to wake up. Most of the time you forget them in an hour or try back to sleep and then end up forgetting it. But this morning, I wrote my dream down so I wouldn’t forget it. I don’t think they have like way of predicting the future or anything, but I do think they tell us more about ourselves and give us dormant creative ideas.

My dream was the most humbling. I dreamed my car got stripped. I remember I was in a movie theater. There was one guy from work sitting a seat way. In my whole dream there was only people from school and work. We were making jokes. We in a movie theater but we were watching a bad play. Bad as in not good. Then these guys move from the front of the theater to our row and now we had to sit besides each other. I was upset. Then the theater fills up with people from the lobby, like a event just ended. And they just started filing coming in. The place got rowdy and they end the play earlier. Then a fight breaks out in the theater between large groups of people. Everyone files out of the theater; I take the side exit and ends up outside the building. I lost the guy I knew from work, so I wander around looking for someone I know. I run into another guy from work and talk to him for a bit about who knows what and then I walk-on. I know I made at least one lap in a circle in some grassland then begin walking in town. And I run into some more guys from work and they were up to no good, being delinquents and shit. I don’t remember what they were doing but I remember being like “coming on guys…” that’s what I always when I see people doing delinquent shit like breaking or burning something. Anyway, following the crowd people, I that assume is from the event there was that let out, I make my way to a building’s backroom. I this back room is with people and some girls from work. There is music playing in there and we are dancing, I was behaving as if I had been drinking. I was way out of character. One by one people left the room until I was by myself. By then the place turned into a patio where I sat down waiting for one of the people that left and said that they would be back. I was looking at all the people walk past. People from school would stop through and ask me if I had seen somebody and I’d point them back where I came from. I sat there until I got tired of waiting and then the room turned into the back seat of my car parked in a ghetto ass hood. I move to the passenger’s seat. This ugly girl with a Caesar cut comes up to window and asks me a question. I answer it and point her on her way. She still stands around. I was like I got to go. I got out of my car to go in the back seat to get my keys off the floor. I was like, “why you still here?” She said I was going to have to come up off that, meaning my car. I was not about to get robbed, so I grabbed a metal stick like object from back seat and started poking her with to back her away. She kept coming. I started taping her in the head with it. Still she kept coming forward. Then I started hitting her with the joint in the head with a little more force, I wasn’t punishing her like I should of. Now, her face was bleeding and she backing away. Get her away from my car and the police show up. I’m like “She tried to jack me.” The officer’s like that coming around here, they take the cars for parts and that must have been humbling for you. He pointed to an extra clip she had concealed in the passenger seat visor that she would have gotten to, and said I was luck because if she would have gotten in my car she could have shot me. Which makes no sense now but in dream world everything makes sense. I was like, “oh for real,” I was relieved. Anyway, I turn to my car and the whole front end is gone. Everything up to the front door is missing. I was like what the fuck. Then the front end shows up and my wheels are missing. I was like how the fuck. Then I appear in Russell Simmons’s house. I walk down the hallway past Russell’s room and then past his closet, looking at the suits. I walk past Kimora’s walking closet and I see it’s in front of her bathroom. As I walk past I hear the shower stop. She steps out in towel talking about “this season’s fashions includes…” some nonsense and something about thongs. That catches my attention and I turn to see. She put on a bra and panties. I remember thinking I thought her breasts were bigger but damn she got a nice body. Then I walked on and I was in the studio with G-Unit and Kimora Lee on a reality show. I was telling them about the jacking and humbleness. So 50 starts singing something something humble, dun da dunt dunt humble. I couldn’t understand the words but it rocked. And they start rapping on it. I was like 50, I got to be on this track. I know I can’t rap but I got be on this track. He was like ok. So I start free styling. I say, I remember it because messed up and that’s what woke me up, me fucking up and I wrote it down. [Click to Play]
First I sung the hook:
Niggas got to be humble,
this world a fuckin jungle,
so be ready for the struggle,
that’s why you got be humble.

Then I rap:
a fo five will make shit get real real quick,
a 9mil will make the healthy real real sick,
you know me I ain’t about no bull shit,
force me boy and I will empty this clip,
we got G-Unit and Will Wash up in this bitch.

Then I fucked up and couldn’t say shit and woke up. Good thing I keep pen and paper by my bed. You should see my notes. I was writing sideways while lying down with one eye open, because the other one was a victim to morning crust. Fucking dreams. I wonder if the shit is worth anything, other than humbling me. I thought I was already a humble person.

Yesterday, I was talking about dancing with the stars and I was singing the Tony Yayo, 50 cent joint cuz that’s my new theme song. Plus I had class and worked yesterday and I said I would go down to Adams Morgan this weekend, so I kind of see some the references. But does it have meaning? I don’t know. Just wanted to share it. Sorry it’s not funny I don’t dream in funny. Come to think about it, I don’t think I have ever had a funny dream.

November 17, 2005

Dave Chappelle

Ok this shit is pissing me off. I do not look like fucking Dave Chappelle. Do you really wanna see how cold I can get? Just because we are both black with a mustache and big lips do not mean we look alike. All black people do not look alike.

What about these people.
Nook Logan for Detroit Tigers:
Arsenal's Theirry Henry:

Some Random Dude :

Young Dave Chappelle:

None of these people look like me.

Learn to tell the difference between black people motherfuckers!
I DO NOT look like fuckin' Dave Chappelle.
I look like my momma, so suck my dick you blind ass bitches!

I Was Dancing With The Stars

Click to Play.

November 11, 2005

Get Rich Or Die Trying

Ok, movie review time. I just seen 50 cent’s “Get Rich or Die Trying” and I must say I was pleasantly surprised. I’m not a big fan of the “rapper movies” but there some ones out that I like. “8 Mile” and “Hustle and Flow” were good. “Get Rich or Die Trying” is not as good as either one of those but it was entertaining. I’m not going to tell whether the movie was worth seeing or not, because it is all on you. But, I will tell you what I dislike about and what to watch for. And I will try not to give away the movie.

Joy Bryant was hot in the movie; she shined. Adebisi was too funny. I call him, Adebisi because that’s how I know him for the OZ show, but his real name is Adewale Akinnouye-Agbaje. He’s the black nigga that’s been in everything from “the Mummy Return” to the TV show “Lost.”

What funny to watch for:
Adebisi 90’s see through muscle shirt. That nigga wears the same outfit for every scene no matter the time frame, 80’s or 90’s, until the end.

50’s Jamaican friend. Every line that nigga says is funny. Check out what and how he says it when he gets shot. “For Really.”

50’s acting. Enough said. Nah, but check out the facial expressions for each mood. There was the sad face, the happy face, the confused face, and the best ever, the blank look. Check out the look 50 gives when old dude tells him that he fucked his moms. One disturbing thing is the way 50’s jaw doesn’t move when he talks. He talk through his teeth and it urked me.

The kid 50. That kid really shined. He could act his ass off. That kid looked and emulated all of 50’s mannerism to a tee. He was the best part of the movie except Joy Bryant.

Hated about it:
It was not an inspiring movie at all. I think it promotes and encourages the unlikely. It’s not for the weak minded or kids. Being a gangster is not a fun choice and selling drugs is not a viable occupation. Why would you show people how to cook crack? Or make drug dealing, murdering gangster the only good role models in the movie.

The prison scene was too much. Male nudity is not good. There was more male nudity than female nudity in the movie and that’s not cool.

All in all, I liked it because I could find something enjoyable in it.

March 30, 2005

My Response to the an Bathroom Experience Email

I just wish you didn't mess up my delightfully ignorant belief that when girls go in to the bathroom together all they do is fix their hair and make up and have cute conversation about if one's butt looks big or how the boobs are looking that day. And then which all naturally leads into some hot lesbian action. I guess there is a possibility that I *might* be wrong (it happens about once or twice a year). But that's what happens when one's insight on the secret female world is derived from Playboy Magazine's Dear Abby letters. First let me say the bubble guts waits for no one. You can't control it. I'm sure she had no choice but to let that fart go. If she possesses any amount of shame or humility she might have tried to “booty squeeze” it to muffle it so it didn't make any noise, but obviously that failed. As a coworker in room, meaning you will see her ass again (no pun indented), you should make light of it and hope she wipes good and washes her hands. When I was in the bathroom during such times, I have been known to say things like “what, bad Chinese food?” and “Taco Bell for lunch, huh?” or “goddamn! I think I'll come back later.” They work well for me. It makes them feel better because I know they are embarrassed and the bubble guts does not discriminate, that shit can happen to anyone (again no pun intended). Oh and also never speak of it again outside the bathroom. Don't be the person talking about other people in the bathroom shitting, it is childish unless you are warning others about the ungodly odors that their ass is capable of. Honestly, I don't know why you expected an excuse me. If you hadn't notice there is serious moral decline when it comes to bathroom ethics. There should be very little talking in the bathroom when there is someone in the stall giving birth to the devil's brown (or green, depends on what you eat-white people) slop babies. That's the type of shit that involves moaning and grunting along with heavy breathing(pun indented this time). And dudes standing at the urinal directly besides- No talking or looking over please. Personal space violation. But people are in constant violation. What about the about the nasty sonsofbitches that don't wash their hands. I can see their ass now licking fingers after eating something. How about the guys with no aim that piss on the everything and leave puddles on the bathroom floor you got to step over. Or the motherfuckers (for lack of better words), that shit in broken toilets and leave the floaters to contaminate the entire bathroom. The best thing you can ask for now a day is a courtesy flush to help fight the odor. Check the mens room in a club with out the bathroom dude watching it. Nothing is like being in the bathroom in someone done funk'd up the joint. It'll have your real face tight. Face all squinted up, not believing, thinking how in the hell could someone produce a unnatural odor like that in a public bathroom, what did you eat, you selfish, inconsiderate bastard. You'll leave the joint sniffing your shirt, hoping, that the odor is not sticking to your clothes. And you praying, no one follows you in to the bathroom and thinks that it was you that produce that biological weapon in the toilet. But you know what's funny and is a big violation, next time someone in there taking a crucial dump, knock on the stall door and ask them if they are ok and do they want you to go get help because their ass smells like it dying.

Don't forget to wash your hands,
Will Wash

February 03, 2005

Who Cares What GW Has To Say

A Cult Classic

It been a while since I’ve sent a mass email. This time it is serious, a serious fanboy email that is. One of my new favorite movies is Napoleon Dynamite. By now, everyone should have seen it. If not go see it. It is now a fairly old movie, but I taken a notice to things. When I quote stuff from the movies some individuals get it and some don’t. So I feel the need to express my understanding about why others like or dislike the movie. People are polarized by this movie. Rarely do you come across such a hit or miss movie. Either you love it or hate it. And I love it. When Deb said she trying to earn money for college and Kip eavesdropping from the other room said, “your mom goes to college”, I fell out of my sit laughing. Because it was fucking funny. Every time I watch the movie, I laugh from beginning to end. Everytime that bamma said “Yesssss” or “Sweet” I laugh cause that shit is too funny and highly quotable. How can you find his serious current event article about the loch ness monster and wizards who try to save Nessie from the Japanese scientist not funny? I will stop whatever I’m doing to stop and watch it, because I find something new in it every time. Like did you notice, Uncle Rico checking out his guns when him and Kip were in the diner planning to make some sweet moolah selling shit? It is easy to see why it was the biggest hit at Sundance. This movie is so damn funny. At least to me.

Through research and study, I have figured out the difference between the lovers and the haters. Napoleon Dynamite is not a traditional comedy and that is why some people don’t like or don’t understand it. To like it requires a, dare I say it, a sense of humor. It’s a unique brand of humor; some people cannot get it right off the bat. They need help. These people generally prefer fart jokes and slap stick. They only see the obvious and they just miss shit. There have been at least half a dozen people whose opinion on the movie I’ve changed just by saying to notice certain shit. Instantly the movie became funny. This movie got an instant cult following at Sundance because it is that damn good. Read the reviews. Napoleon Dynamite has produced some of the best quotes and “sweet” impressions since the Austin Powers series. Except for the Dave Chappelle Show of course, because we know he still has the best quotes, bitch. “Tina! Come get some ham!” or “there’s like a butt load of gangs at this school. This one gang wanted me to join cause I’m pretty good with the bow staff.” That shit is funny. If you didn’t get it when you saw it, then ask me in private so you don’t feel embarrassed and I’ll explain. Better yet I’ll watch it with you and tell you when and why to laugh.

You know the movie is the truth when you start seeing people on the street with a “Vote for Pedro” t-shirt. Now I want one. And when you get MasterCard priceless emails about Uncle Rico ability to throw the football a quarter mile and him winning state back ‘82. The movie is a classic I tell you. Without this movie, who would have known that girls only want boyfriends with skills; like nunchaku skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills. What movie stars a high school guy who draws “ligers” (half lion, half tigers, breed for special powers of magic) and rides the school bus to school with the 6th graders after spending the summer hunting wolverines (with a 12 gauge, of course) that were trying to kill his cousins? Or a movie with a Mexican, who bakes his ladies a cake and wears a wig of a medieval warrior, after takes his sledgehammer bike off sweet jumps in the front yard? Not Harold and Kumar(with six O’s and three U’s). Come on let us all laugh at Kip (who thinks gold bracelets make you look official) sitting at home chatting with babes all day and training to be a cage fighter while making he’s best move be a slow ass leg sweep. Plus Kip hooks up with the big booty black girl off the Internet. How can you not love that?

Just type Napoleon Dynamite into google and check out the fan soundboards and t-shirts. And then start to realize, if you don’t think the movie was any good then there may be something wrong with you.

Signing off,
Will Wash
“You going to eat your tots?”