The State of the William Address 2006 (the shakedown version)

Greetings, my people. This has been a busy year for your boy, Will Wash. A lot of good things have happened since the last address. I have accomplished some of my life goals, met new people, and grew as person. Many of you were with me along the way and I love you for that. This is an official thank you. So let’s get started.

Here’s a Metro story. I was on the train because my car was in the shop. Ya’ll know my joint is three spinner hub caps away from being a big wheel. You remember those joints? Now they were tight. You used to stand on the back of it and kicking with one leg coasting down hills. Even the fattest boy in the hood would take a turn on the big wheel. It was made strong. Kicking on it, had that one leg real strong after a while. Imaging riding one of them to work instead of a car or bike, that one leg would be strong as shit. You’ll have one Popeye leg. One muscle leg, one chicken leg – a carry-out two piece.

Anyway, I was on the subway. I sat next to this girl that looked real professional-like. When I say professional-like, I’m not talking about 14th street professional. Not a “where my money at bitch”, but more like a DC area bougie girl. I try hard to avoid bougie people in my life. Seriously, I rather talk to the crazy homeless guy that prefers to shadow box at bus stops and wears a permanent cologne that smells like stale calamari, then hold a conversation with someone that thinks they are truly better than me. I’m not always in good mood but I was and I didn’t want to judge so I tried to make small talk. Long story short, she had attitude. I asked her what she did for a living. She said was Secret Agent and couldn’t talk to me. So I told her she must suck because she wasn’t very secretive. I had to carry her because back she tried to carry me. Fucking smart asses. Boy and girl, today’s lesson is don’t be a smart ass. Fuck her.

Often I have been described as being an angry man. I do have a little angry in my life, but I’ve narrowed it don’t to the exact group of people I don’t like. Others. It’s everybody other than me. Like the guy or gal, that can’t say a simple “thanks” when you hold the door for them. Those people are dicks. Like me holding the door open for them is a given. Like, I am supposed to be that chump that is in charge of holding the door for assholes. Come on, who was your mother? Was she some kind of animal? Were you raised by a wild trash digging raccoons? We civilized people say “thank you” when someone does something nice for us. Fuck ‘em.

A lot of times it the little things at get to you. Like when you say something like, “Hey, I like your shoes, where you get those from?” And they give you some bullshit answer like, “Oh, they don’t make these anymore.” What?! That ain’t what I asked your ass. What you scared, I’m going to buy some? Or they’ll say like “you can’t buy them in the US.” What kind of shit is that? Bitch I ain’t trying to be your twin. People acting like is beyond me. Why do people hate for no reason, shit like that pisses me off. Well, I got news for you. I can go into any deli and order a club sandwich AND, get this; I’m not even a member. AND they even give me a pickle and an extra cut in the sandwich. How you like them apples. So, fuck you.

People can be real simple sometimes. I went in to a store. And I asked the lady behind the counter (in English) how much for a bottle of water? She says two and then proceeds to raise up two fingers towards me. I’m like wtf (what the fuck), I’m a geek so I actually said W.T.F. Now, was I so retarded that I needed to her visually show me the number two? It wasn’t like she was throwing up the peace sign either, that would be cool. I never claimed to be really smart or anything, but come the fuck on. Maybe that’s how she remembers the prices, on her fingers. I feel sorry for her then. What if it was $1.50? Was she going to do stick up one finger and half the middle? Fuck her, too.

Let me get serious for a minute and hit a topic I never covered in any of the other State of the William Addresses, finding your mate. Ohhh, touchy subject…yea, I know. Don’t worry this is not be a list of what I looking for, because I really don’t know, except you have to a natural born woman – no after Thursday’s surgery I’ll be woman then type shit. For the slow people, basically, no chicks with dicks. Now, I’m not knocking it because some people like it (Flava Flav), but it just ain’t for me. I need to talk to all the people out there saying that there say they need a “good” man or woman. Don’t jump ahead of me. I’m got going to say there is no good men or women out there, I going say you need to stay away from them. Don’t be messing them up with your problems. If you ain’t a good catch then why do you need a good catch? Let the good men and good women get together and have good families. People stop messing up happy homes. Your ass need to be with other fucked up people like you. If your ass has issues like trust, mental instability, or criminal tendencies, stay away from the good people! Don’t bring them down with you. You know their good ass is going to try to save you.

To many people think they are good catches when they are not. First fellas, being light skinned when light skinned guys are in-style do not automatically make you a good catch. If you are crazy then you are not a good catch for anybody, period. Nothing runs a man away faster than a crazy woman. Granted crazy women do run the fastest, and that’s why there are a lot of these brothers sitting at home unhappy because they caught by a crazy woman. Having six college degrees don’t automatically make you a good catch, it just means you ass likes to read and it’s a warning that you might be know it all and everyone hates know it alls. People are not Scantron sheets and common sense is worth more points in the real world. And come on dudes having a good job don’t make you a good catch either. But it does put you about 5 miles in front of the guy without a J.O.B. Also these cock diesel independent women really threading a thin line. It’s great to be able to take of yourself, but some of yall sometimes take it too far. Bodybuilding is a quick way to scare away men. It’s nice you can pick up 180lbs…I guess. But if you really wanna be picking up stuff, you should go pick up another girl for him. Guys, being prettier than females don’t make you a good man, it’s makes you gay. If yall got to fight over the mirror in the bathroom, it’s not going to work. Remember, a man stills needs be a man. Let’s get personal for a sec, no kids. Sorry, but it’s that simple. There is nothing wrong with having kids, but to consider yourself a good catch you got to drop ‘em. No dude wants to take care of another guy’s kid. A real good guy will accept a woman with kids but you need to stay way from him. Good guys need to procreate with any other good woman to have kids that will grow up to be good people and instead of taking care of your bad ass kids who will grow up to be just like their daddy. Men like sex but a good guy can’t take on a Poke-cahontas or any of her tribe, the Hava-hoes. Finally, if you’re a dicktease then you’re the hated the most out of all and you should never consider yourself a good catch. If you ever gave a dude blue balls, I’m talking about you. Guns don’t kill people, blue balls kills people. Just know there is special place in hell for you beside Osama bin laden. Women with sex issues otherwise forces good guys to him look somewhere else eventually. The word is balance. If you don’t have balance your not a good catch. If you’re insecure, ain’t anybody trying to spend the rest of their life trying to make YOU feel good about YOURSELF. You need to help yourself (no pun intended). Having a rack of kids is problem. That means you got a lot of issues and bills. If you got multiple baby mommas, then you need to take whoever will take you and stay with her ass, retire the dicking around, and stop ruining the world with your seed. If you know you a dog then fronting like you a good guy. There are female dogs out there for the male dogs, they are called bitches. So you need to take your pitbull hunter ass on and stop ruining the females. If you are nasty then you know you’re wrong. If you never need to put tarter sauce on your fish sticks because you believe the tarter control in toothpaste selection is optional, you classified as a nasty sonabitch. Stay away from the good people. Also in that category is the women that let a guy get by with believing you were a freak because he found what looked to be like leopard print underwear in your room. But in reality, they were only just dirty. Girl, you are nasty. If fit in any of the descriptions, we should never hear you complain about wanting a good significant other, because you don’t deserve one. So, fuck off.

Your boy,
Will Wash