December 14, 2008

"Bad at Being Good" - Memoirs of Will Wash

I jam the flip cam up in his face. "Hey Russ! You are on the party cam!" Playing the game, Russ holds up his beer like he was doing a beer ad and says, "Old Fuzziwig Ale, it's tasty." Then he takes a sip and then TV smiles for the camera. "That's good Fuzziwig." In return Russ asks what is the device I am pointing at him. So I make a sales pitch back in return, "This is a Flip Cam. For only one hundred and seventy dollars you too can have a camcorder that the size of a cell phone." Even after being with the company for a couple of years now and participating in several company functions this was my first time meeting my co-worker, Russ' fiancee. But isn't that the beauty of company Christmas Parties? She directly asks me, "Who are you?" It was with a straight face and almost rude but not intended to be rude. I loved it after the initial shock from the bluntness. It was a sign of strength and honesty in my eyes. I liked her immediately. I was thinking, yes, I bet Russ is her bitch at home. I wanted to make a good impression on her now. So I began to tell Russ and her about my dream of wanting to be a Wedding/Family Reunion DJ. While in the middle of explaining the oh so important duties of a DJ with animated storytelling and dramatic hand motions, I hear someone call my name. "Will!" I looked around. "Will!" It was Butterfly. That is not her real name, it's one of the many nicknames I have given her. Also the most recent and fitting in my opinion. A butterfly starts off as an ugly dirt worm and transform into an attraction flying bug. But I always imagined a butterfly still sees themselves as still as dirt worm and has trouble accepting the new beautiful transformation. She was sitting over by the pool table calling me over. I was in the middle of a conversation with Russ and his fiancee whom I am meeting for the first time. I can't just walk away, it would be rude. She's a tough lady too. "Will!" She continued calling me. So finally I respond, "Yes!?" "Come here," she says. I ask, "Is it important? What is it?" "Come here." I apologized to Russ and his fiance for having to leave abruptly. Whatever she wanted it had better be good to interrupt me like this. So I go over and ask her what's up. Says her and Sunshine wants to play the buzz game. Sunshine, of course is not her real name. Another nickname to a coworker I have given out. One day too far back to remember she came to work with her hair darken, dark makeup, and black clothing. I joked she looked evil, and have been calling her Sunshine since. I look over at the counter two feet away and see the buzz game sitting almost in Sunshine's arm reach. I ask Butterfly, "Are you serious?" She responds positive. So I ask again before I begin to throw a hissy fit. "You interrupted my story for that?! It's right there! Three feet away! Reach over and you could have it!" She says, "We wanted you to play too." I asked, "Do you realized you interrupted me and called me over for nothing. That is some real hating right there. I was in the middle of a good conversation. You could tell because I was animated and bouncy. That's some real hating, you interrupted that. I asked if it was important. What you wanted could of waited." I stormed off angry. I get back to Russ and his fiancee and apologize again for the bullshit. I ask where did I leave off and tried to continue and make the story worth dealing with the interruption. The beauty of being a Wedding/Reunion DJ is that I would hook up a mic and MC - move the crowd! Also I get to have a cool DJ name. I asked Russ and his fiance for some ideas for my DJ name. I thought they all sucked. We ended on the name DJ Dubs. "This is DJ Dubs on the one's and two's! I needed everyone to stand up because it's your duty to move that booty! I got a brand new dance for you, it's called the Kesley!" I saw Kesley come in to the room and I threw her name in. Kesley was shocked. She asked if I was talking about her. I admitted that I threw her name in there once I saw her, just to mess with her. Kes is my buddy so she plays along and suddenly we had a dance battle in the works that ends with us doing the kid and play dance. I think I ended up making a decent first impression on Russ' fiancĂ©e. Mission accomplished. The Christmas party was held at our company's President's house. He had a great setup with a pool table and an air hockey table. I tried my hand at air hockey against Marlon. I was having flashbacks to the old Boys and Girls Club days. I still had some skills. After I played around with Marlon, Travis came and challenged me. He made it clear he wanted to play me. I think it was because I was talking about how much he sucked at playing pool. He wanted some justice, which is understandable. The problem was I had just finished playing and was aware of the need to get away to leave to the next spot. I said, lets just play a quick game to ten. I scored several times on myself and lost pretty bad. It was cool, I didn't think it was that important. Thirty seconds after Travis leaves the Ingo runs laughing. He says Travis said he whooped me in air hockey. In the words of the great crackhead Whitney Houston, "Aww hell to the nah!" I ran Travis down and asked for one more game. It became about pride at that point. I couldn't let him going around bragging about beating me. We played again. I played more seriously and pulled out a couple of tricks. The game face was on. I represented well and won the game in decent fashion. Satisfied with us being tied one game apiece it was time to move on. The plan was to go the Chilli's up the street and hang out. The nice thing about Chilli's it that Dom's good friend Chris bar tends there. When we arrived there Chris was smiling behind the bar. That's was nice, greeted with a smile. But there was only three seats together open at the end of bar and there was four of us, Dom, Butterfly, Sunshine, and myself. Butterfly and Sunshine grab the two seats at the end next to each other. Dom offers me the third seat, I say, “you take it.” We do the back and forth, "no you" thing. Eventually Dom pulls up another seat at the side corner of the bar. I'm stuck with the last seat. I have an issue, I prefer not to sit next to random strange dudes if I have a choice. Sunshine politely offers to switch seats with me after seeing the look on my face. I ask for a beer and begin to space out. I was tired but not really. It was a more of a mental fatigue. While I'm spacing out staring at the rodeo on TV but not actually watching it, Sunshine who was pretty tipsy is hitting on Dom's friend the bartender. Wasn't all that interested, didn't find it amusing or entertaining so I preferred to play Martian. But at some point I looked over and I saw Dom at the end of the bar with a "what are you doing?" look on his face looking at Sunshine. So me being me, I say something to Sunshine. We have a "discussion." A "discussion" to the untrained and non listening outsider could look like a heated argument but it is really not that serious. We both made some points. I said, "That's Dom's good friend. Don't lead him on if you are not serious." Sunshine said she was only playing and it's not a big deal, she was just flirting. Which I agreed with along as he was aware of that. Because he was Dom's friend and it wouldn't be right to lead on some one's friend with no intentions of anything actually happening. While we were having our "discussion," I overhear Butterfly on my left, "Can I get your number for my friend?" Maybe I am old fashion but I don't think someone should ask for someone else's number if they do not plan on calling them. Why lead them on? To my fault, I was "discussing" a topic with a tipsy girl and faulting her with the actions of someone else, Butterfly. Who for the life me, I didn't see how it would be amusing or entertaining to ask Dom's good friend for his number to give to a friend that she knew had no intention of calling him. A funny goofy stranger, maybe that would be entertaining assuming it would boost he's ego. But Chris was Dom's friend that we frequent his bar, who we will see again. Both Dom and I shared the view of inappropriateness. But Dom and Butterfly choose to not to participate in our discussion. They avoid conflict of opinions. Sunshine and I got tired of "discussing" the subject. I saw her point and she saw mine, it was just us going back and forth to keep it going. So when done, I leaned back in my chair and said to Dom and Butterfly, "Let me tell you about my dream now." I texted Sunshine the story of my dream earlier that morning to help me remember it. For the past 10 months she has been the one I text to help me remember my dreams. Sunshine says in a Sunshine tone, "I heard it already. It was well written." I laughed; I'll take compliments when I can get them. I responded, "Thanks, I guess it was ok for just waking up and typing on a cell phone." Sunshine knowing the story I was about to tell, she started texting someone on her phone. I assumed the boyfriend since it was getting late. Hopefully keeping tabs. I turn my attention to Dom and Butterfly. I ask Butterfly if she wants to switch seats. Giving her an opportunity to move away and beside Sunshine. She said no it's ok. So I begun my story, "I dreamed I was downtown in DC at a basketball game. It was weird because when the ball would go down court the camera would follow the ball." Suddenly, Butterfly just get up and leaves. She walks away not a word or a look. I was shocked. I switched to her seat closer to Dom and whispered, "Did she just walk out on my story?" He nods. I was a little ticked by that. That was pretty rude. I was telling a story to her. So waited I for her to get back before continuing the story. I saw she walked off to the bathroom. That makes sense, we was drinking and when you have to go, you have to go. Most people say something first, but understandable. So I waited. She comes back and sits in my seat next to Sunshine since I had moved over. She turns her back on us and instantly begins a conversation with Sunshine. I try to continue with my story with Dom, but she never turned around and it kept bothering me mentally until felt like she was taunting me. I could not concentrate on what I was saying. I really felt totally disrespected. Like I wasn't good enough to listen to or the first lines of my dream was that uninteresting and not worth listening to. "What is going on here?" I asked Dom. "I don't know." First I asked Dom in a normal tone, "Are you serious?" Then I raise my voice and direct it to Butterfly, "Are you serious?! You are not listening to me. You walked out on what I was saying. You completely disregarded me." The rage had been building up by then. I don't think expecting someone listen is asking too much, considering I gave her the opportunity switch seats and not listen. So when I said something about her tuning me out, she says because I was talking about shit about Sunshine and didn't want to be part of that. Which was completely and utterly incorrect. She quoted a line I said during Sunshine’s discussion and me about Chris the Bartender. At that point I was enraged because of the accusations and using that as reason to completely tune me out when she was involved in that “discussion” in the first place. It wasn't a "discussion" involving her earlier, she refused to get involved and now she brings it backs and made it an Us verse Them issue. I yelled out so loudly the whole bar must of heard, "See that's where you fucked up! You just fucked up the timeline! You weren’t listening, I was talking about my dream and you are bringing up something from earlier that we was done with. Do you even remember what I said!" Honesty I don't remember any of the other words she said but the line, "I don't care." That resonated and echoed in my head. Those were trigger words to me. It was worst than saying fuck you, because I always care. I can take a "fuck you" but to not care is to treat someone with a lack of importance. To not care about their feeling, situations, words, or condition of a friend is fraudulent and they are really not a friend. So in an effort to not say something I would later regret, I grabbed my jacket and stormed out of the restaurant. I needed to cool off because I was beyond pissed. I went out to my car and sat in the cold of the parking lot. In my mind I felt so betrayed. Not because she didn't listen my stupid dream but because out of the coworkers in the office we where the only four left that are close and still hanged out. We are the ones that made it through the drama. I saw and complain about there being a divide between the four of us already. Butterfly and I have a great relationship, as long there isn't someone else with an opinion around. Then she chooses sides and it’s never mine. Sunshine and Butterfly was a team against Me and Dom, Omid, or whoever there was. But both Sunshine and Butterfly proclaim that the divide does not exist. But that is exactly what just happened. It was Me verses Them and I didn't know it and I didn't start it. I sat in the cold thinking. I knew by her tuning me out after an animated discussion with someone else that she voluntarily didn't involve her in she had made a decision and was not really impartial like she proclaimed. And the tack in the shoe was that Sunshine and I were cool, I thought we were ok. I didn't saying anything more about it, we was done and on another subject. But somehow in Butterfly's mind, she had the illusion that there was a conflict and I was the enemy so she walked away and tuned me out. While I sat outside, Butterfly came out. I don't think she even knew why was upset, it was beyond her. So it was for me hard for to take her words as real because they were contradictions and empty sounding. While she talked, I was thinking how she sometimes confirms and never denies the fears I had about aspects of our friendship. She had just divide us and separated us when less than an hour ago she said there wasn't. And even a week before that when Sunshine and me had a misunderstanding of vibes. I asked, "Can you remember anything I said?" She responded, "You said something about basketball and an alley." "Basketball, yes. Alley, no. You wasn't listening." Because you had already written me off, I thought. I had gone against Sunshine and therefore I was the bad guy. Who cares about the bad guy? And I recalled the number of times she has said, "I don't care" to me. It made the heart heavy. I would never say that to her or anyone I called a friend. It was cold outside. She was shivering and offering nothing but presence. I don't think she could of made it better if she wanted to, the damage was done. I offered my jacket and when she refused I started to go back inside. Momma raised me right; even pissed off I don't want her freeze to death outside. While walking back she kept saying, "You are going to think what you want to think." Funny thing is, that sounded a lot like saying I don't care. It's a cop out when you don't offer an alternative thought. Butterfly is her name but on the walk back, there was no flying in my eyes, sadly she slide like a snake. I felt like betrayed like Adam and Eve. I was told world was in color only to find out it’s actually black and white and color is a theory to keep the nuts happy. "You are going to think what you want to think." I was looking for another thought, because my thoughts were so negative. But I must have been right. If someone tells you they don't care enough, you would be a fool not to believe them even if they recant later. When words contradict what do you believe? The actions? Well the actions just finished speaking. Sides were exposed in her mind and I was on the wrong side, I needed a beer. With my thoughts suppressed, I sat back down at the bar. Dom and Sunshine was chatting it up. That made me feel better. Butterfly was looking ticked off and Sunshine notice. At that point, I was my turn not to care. Since I was told I am going to think what I want to think; I wanted to think she was upset because she thinks I'm being too sensitive because I don't bottle up when some I thought was a friend disrespects me. I don't think I am too sensitive, I think it was pride and self-respect that was tugging at me. But that didn’t matter anymore because I was given a pass to think whatever I wanted. However, truthfully, it didn't make me feel any better learning the worst about someone you thought you shared a respect level. Only to reconfirm the fear - at least while no one else is around. I was the "I understand where are coming from friend as long as I don't have to support you in public, because you are a bad guy." It was hard not ponder that if a "friend" had no part of an argument and don't know the facts or results but still choose to separate themselves from me. I figured I have a pretty bad reputation. In an effort to get beyond the whole thing because I shouldn't have been surprised. I was just let down by the fears becoming reality. So I offered to tell my dream again. After me making a big scene at the bar, maybe she would actually listen this time or at the very least I would have something to talk about while Dom and Sunshine chats it up and minimized the awkwardness. "I dreamt I was down at a basketball court in DC. We were watching the game from cars. And when the ball would go down the court the cars follow like a camera. In the car in front of me is a girl I used to go to school with. I barely knew her. Just knew the name and face. Well she called me over in to her car. And we ride through DC. We get near Military Rd and I say 'I live right over there.' We get out and start walking. Her car is remote controlled. While we walked her car was moving up ahead of us. The car ran a light by my apartment and got T-boned and lead to a 3 car pile up. We couldn't go check on the car because people would know it was her car. So we went to my apartment building. There was bunch of shady people hanging outside the building watching the police and crash scene. We try to sneak past but they are being nosey. I try to crack my door and let us slip in but one dude peeks in and sees us and the big screen TV and starts grinning. I set all the locks on the door. Then I guide her upstairs so we can see the accident and the car. My apartment turned into a 3 story loft. So we get to the top of the stairwell and she turns to me and says, 'I can't let you see my ...' There was no word in the dream. So I say, 'We can do this face to face.' And I sit down on the top of the steps. She sits down and straddles my lap. She starts grinding and then on adjacent stairwell a gang of people start walking up. A lot of people. I have this girl on my lap, I’m startled and I yell over, 'How did you get in here?!' The guy in front shows me his hand and he has a black "X" on it. Like it was made with a sharpie for reentry in to a bar. Then he says a key, door, and window. At this point, the girl on my lap bite the meat above my cheek bone. What I thought was a weird nibble turns into a sharp pain. She starts biting harder. I try to push her off and she bites harder. Then she yanks her head up and tears out a good chunk of my flesh. She must of hit an artery because blood was squirting everywhere. I wipe blood on her face in an effort to get her off of me. I couldn't stop the bleeding and start freaking out. I had to wake up to heal my face. That was my nightmare." Butterfly enjoyed the story; at least she looked like she did. I thought it was a good dream, worth listening to. Not much longer after that Dom and Sunshine turned cold. I think they wore each other out and we called it a night. I wasn't tired and couldn't sleep so when I got home I watched VH1's "Real Chance of Love." I was still bothered by what went down between Butterfly and me. I send out a couple text messages to see who was still awake. I remember Sunshine saying she wasn't tired. Sent out a text saying, "Do you think people are more truthful and honest when drunk?" Sunshine and Steph Lover was still up. Steph was brags about stuffing her face somewhere. And I start venting to Sunshine about how upset I still am. She offers some good insight, but told me I take it too personal. I disagreed, because it was completely about me, which makes it personal by definition. Which I found amusing because Sunshine complained about my stone face ruining a vibe. I joked she takes my serious face too personal and let her go to sleep. Lastly I text my friend about the gayness on "Real Chance of Love" and she co-signs and "P.S." me to stop prank calling the radio station pretending to be retarded. I laughed and went to sleep.

No comments:

Post a Comment