My Response to the an Bathroom Experience Email

I just wish you didn't mess up my delightfully ignorant belief that when girls go in to the bathroom together all they do is fix their hair and make up and have cute conversation about if one's butt looks big or how the boobs are looking that day. And then which all naturally leads into some hot lesbian action. I guess there is a possibility that I *might* be wrong (it happens about once or twice a year). But that's what happens when one's insight on the secret female world is derived from Playboy Magazine's Dear Abby letters. First let me say the bubble guts waits for no one. You can't control it. I'm sure she had no choice but to let that fart go. If she possesses any amount of shame or humility she might have tried to “booty squeeze” it to muffle it so it didn't make any noise, but obviously that failed. As a coworker in room, meaning you will see her ass again (no pun indented), you should make light of it and hope she wipes good and washes her hands. When I was in the bathroom during such times, I have been known to say things like “what, bad Chinese food?” and “Taco Bell for lunch, huh?” or “goddamn! I think I'll come back later.” They work well for me. It makes them feel better because I know they are embarrassed and the bubble guts does not discriminate, that shit can happen to anyone (again no pun intended). Oh and also never speak of it again outside the bathroom. Don't be the person talking about other people in the bathroom shitting, it is childish unless you are warning others about the ungodly odors that their ass is capable of. Honestly, I don't know why you expected an excuse me. If you hadn't notice there is serious moral decline when it comes to bathroom ethics. There should be very little talking in the bathroom when there is someone in the stall giving birth to the devil's brown (or green, depends on what you eat-white people) slop babies. That's the type of shit that involves moaning and grunting along with heavy breathing(pun indented this time). And dudes standing at the urinal directly besides- No talking or looking over please. Personal space violation. But people are in constant violation. What about the about the nasty sonsofbitches that don't wash their hands. I can see their ass now licking fingers after eating something. How about the guys with no aim that piss on the everything and leave puddles on the bathroom floor you got to step over. Or the motherfuckers (for lack of better words), that shit in broken toilets and leave the floaters to contaminate the entire bathroom. The best thing you can ask for now a day is a courtesy flush to help fight the odor. Check the mens room in a club with out the bathroom dude watching it. Nothing is like being in the bathroom in someone done funk'd up the joint. It'll have your real face tight. Face all squinted up, not believing, thinking how in the hell could someone produce a unnatural odor like that in a public bathroom, what did you eat, you selfish, inconsiderate bastard. You'll leave the joint sniffing your shirt, hoping, that the odor is not sticking to your clothes. And you praying, no one follows you in to the bathroom and thinks that it was you that produce that biological weapon in the toilet. But you know what's funny and is a big violation, next time someone in there taking a crucial dump, knock on the stall door and ask them if they are ok and do they want you to go get help because their ass smells like it dying.

Don't forget to wash your hands,
Will Wash