April 28, 2006

The Legend of Will Wash

This is the story of a beef that even God could not squash
This is the legend of your boy, Will Wash
The baddest motherfucker on any block
I can remember the day he was born like a face on a clock
The devil was on vacation down in DC
He heard of a good spot where he could get some crack for free
While in town he heard a great story
About a bad ass little nigga and all his glory
He was bad and it was clear as glass
On the day he was dropped from his Mammy's ass,
Will Wash slapped his Pappy's in the face
And said, "From now on, cocksucker, I'm running this place"
At the age of one he was drinking whiskey and gin
At the age of two he was eating the bottles that it came in
He more soul in his stroll,
And more slide in his glide
Already he was proclaimed as the baddest man alive
The devil was king of all haters
He thought he should take the little nigga out, more sooner than later
The devil walked into town,
Looking to get down
He found Will’s daddy with his head held low
The devil said, “What wrong with you, Joe?”
Joe said his wife presented him with two bad ass baby boys
Joe told her, “Honey, you know we only need one set of toys
Pick out the nicest one; the other one is getting the river
I don’t need a bad ass nigga”
And that is how Will Wash learned to swim
Just like the sun rises, Will came back to get at him
He said it was one hell of a fight
Joe said he even fought dirty and tried to bite
He told the devil that he’s blown when almost lost his life
When baby Will cut him low with a knife
Now he couldn’t have kids anymore
Baby Will’s first words, “Now get some balls you whore!”
I know your thinking oh my gosh
But this is the legend of your boy Will Wash

Devil saw how he treated his own pa
He said, "Let me go check this little bad nigga before he goes too far"
He has to see for himself this monster of man
But first he needed a plan
He called up Jesus to see if he had his back
But Jesus told him that has babysitted Will before and ran out of cheeks to attack
Afraid of losing his rep down in hell
Where he was the baddest man in the ville
He called God up for a little advice
God said, “I suggest you talk to him real nice
Dee, don’t get me wrong; in a fight, I hope you win it
Cause he is killing motherfuckers every fifteen minutes
He’s a bad motherfucker that calms the raging sea
The waters parted faster for him than it did for me
He had a fight with a battleship out on the sea
Mr. Shark was the time keeper and Brother Whale the referee
I never seen a fight end so quick
He torpedoed the boat with the head of his dick
He shot dice with Pac and played cards with Big
If they both had cash, then they still could of lived
He went up to the Whitehouse and kicked Reagan in the ass
And told the AIDS spreading, guns dealing, crack pushing President to kiss his black ass
He went up to Alaska when it was 20 below
Dropped his drawls and melted the fucking snow
He a hot motherfucker, can’t you see
I turn my head, because Will Wash is a man even I don’t wanna see”
It’s old school rhyme like OshKosh B’Gosh
This is the legend of your boy Will Wash

Now with his pride on the line
And a trick on the mind
The devil drew a line in the sand
And instead of called your boy Will out just like a man
The devil took the role of a bitch,
He dressed up like Larry, the snitch
So with an evil plan to keep
The devil stuck out his leg so Will would stepped on his feet
The devil said, "Motherfucker, can't you see?
Why, you stepping on my goddamn feet!"
Will responds, "I ain't heard a word you said"
"If you say it one more time I'll be stepping on your motherfucking head!"
The devil played sorry and this is what he said,
“Please don’t hit me, Mr. Will Wash, I’m not ready for bed”
So he ran up on Will Wash later that day
He said, "Oh Mr Will Wash, there's a big, bad motherfucker coming your way
And when you meet, it's gonna be a goddamn sin,
And wherever you meet some ass is bound to bend
Also he's somebody that you do not know,
He just broke loose and he’s ready to show"
Will, he talked about your people in a helluva way!
He talked about your people till my hair turned gray!
He said your daddy's a fag and your momma's a whore
Said he spotted you running through the hood selling your asshole from door to door!
Said your sister did the dirtiest trick
She got down so low and sucked an earthworm's dick
Said he spotted your niece behind the tree,
Screwing motherfuckers for a dollar over free!
He said he saw your aunt sitting on the picket fence
Giving a goddamn gorilla a french
Then he talked about your sister and your momma too,
Then he starts talking about how good your grandma screw
He said your sister's a prostitute and your brother's a punk,
And said I'll be damned if you don't eat all the pussy you see every time you get drunk!
He said he teabag your uncle and fucked your aunty and niece,
And next time he see your grandma he going to get him another good piece
Also your brother died with the AIDS and your uncle died with the dick mumps
And your old grandma never looked pretty with a face full of lumps
And you know you little sister that you love so dear
He said he fucked her all day for a bottle of beer
So, Will Wash, you know that ain't right
Whenever you meet Leroy Brown be ready to fight"
So Will jumped up in a helluva rage!
Like a young knockout king full of gage
Now the devil was talking about Leroy Brown
He was the baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than a-old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog
Now Leroy he a gambler and he like his fancy clothes
And he liked to wear his diamond rings in front of everybody's nose
Will went through the town knocking down trees,
Kicking long neck bitches to their knees
The he ran up on the Leroy talking to a dime
He said, "All right you big, bad motherfucker It's gonna be your ass or mine"
The Leroy looked at him out of the corner of his eyes
He said, "Alright go ahead home, you little match stick motherfucker and pick on somebody your own size”
Will Wash jumped up and made a pass
Leroy side-stepped him and kicked him square in his ass
Will then busted up his jaw, fucked up his face
Broke both his legs, snatched his ass out of place
Will then picked him up, slammed him to the tree
Nothing but Leroy’s shit as far as you could see
He crushed his nuts, rolled ‘em in the sand
And kicked his ass like a natural man!
They fought all night and all the next day
Somehow the Leroy managed to get away
Later on, the devil looked at Will and said, "Goddamn ole partner, you don't look so swell
Look like to me you caught a whole lotta hell
Your eyes is all red and your asshole is a little blue,
I knew from the beginning there wasn't shit to you
There's one thing you and me got to get straight
Cause your one ugly cocksucker that I sure do hate!
I pimped Eve, tutored George W Bush, and made AOL’s ‘you got mail’
I’m the Devil, The High Sheriff of Hell”
Will Wash had enough of this shit
He said, “You long faced, cockeyed son of a bitch
Your weak ass setup did not work
Ask your boy Leroy how I put in that hurt
Maybe he didn’t say all those things about my peeps
But now he won’t even look cross at them even in his sleep
Look motherfucker, ain't you a bitch!
Your face look like you got that crotch itch!
And don't try to plead over here with your sucka ass case
Cause I'll piss in your motherfucking face!
Back in hell the pain will pass
But I have to send you there first by kicking your ass"
When Will was done with the devil, his ass turn from red to green
Will Wash is the baddest motherfucker the world has ever seen

 I hoped you like it. Shout out to Dolemite. Before there was rap there was Dolemite.

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