You are living in modern Germany, divorced with a daughter living with your ex. You and your Ex do not get along and you feel like she takes every opportunity to make your life a living hell when she can. Also she has a very hands off relationship with your daughter. No curfew and such, she can do what she wants. Your daughter is in her late teens and in post secondary school. She is a good girl and never a problem. Also very responsible. You couldn’t of asked for a better little girl. But there is one problem…Her boyfriend.
Your are not racist by any means, but your problem with the boyfriend is that he is Turkish. It’s the cultural differences you have a problem with. You would like for your daughter to be with a nice Christian young man (practicing Christian with good morals, like you, no sex before marriage). Her boyfriend seems nice enough but he is a Turkish Muslim and your better judgment keeps you from seeing a good outcome in the relationship and you want what’s best for your daughter. The general understanding with Turkish men in Germany is that they get local girlfriends to sow their oats before marrying a Muslim Turkish woman from home. They have to follow tradition or risk losing their family.
So one day you have the opportunity to talk to the boyfriend. You lock him in the car after taking him home with your daughter in the backseat. You was giving them a ride. You then question him. Since you are sleeping with my daughter, I want to know what your intentions are. Do you plan on marrying her?
You have giving the boy a chance to come correct. He doesn’t have to say he will marry her but just make you and your daughter feel better about the whole situation. He fails. He start a list of reasons of what’s wrong with her. She can’t cook and such. He had an opportunity to show he is not like the Muslim stereotype, but instead reinforces your feared beliefs about Muslim men with their views on women. It hurts your heart because you raised your daughter in the independent strong black woman type way. Also you know if they wanted to marry he would have to go against his family for love and you now don’t see him doing that. And even more you do believe they love each other.
Funny how often Romeo and Juliet manifests it’s self in our lives. You don’t like the idea of your daughter being used to sow his oats and you tell your daughter she needs to look for someone else. But she is in silly girl mode and that’s her boyfriend, the only one she has every had. And from what you have seen he is a good guy. Doesn’t hit her, never seen him do anything inappropriate. He must be at least a decent guy for your daughter to love him and want to continue to see him.
What could you do, if anything? You are not racist, it’s the cultural rules; not all Muslims, but Turkish Muslims. Your daughter could never be accepted. Your baby girl is with someone who using her temporarily whether on purpose or not. How do you get around the idea of your daughter being used as a booty call while there in Germany, only to be tossed aside later? She is 18 and doesn’t live with you, so you can’t enforce any rules. The ex-wife is no help. And God forbid she gets knocked up because he would deny the child and offer no support, maybe even move back to Turkey.
A few more details if you think I’m overstating the problem. One, he will not bring her home or allow her to meet his family and they have been together for 5 years. Two, I saw this first hand, he rerouted her phone calls to his phone. He is remotely screening her calls. Now if this ain’t the possessive Muslim stereotype??? Controlling. She is scared to leave the city much less the country because of him. We are still trying to get her to come to the US where every guy would be tripping all over themselves to get with her.
More on Mom. It’s not weird for her to be very hands off. Apparently most German parents are very hands off. While there I saw kids walking around 3-4 in the morning, there is very few crimes, and condom kiosks everywhere. Her personality is laid back, no curfew and don’t punish. Plus she has a new boyfriend. Only rule is wake her when she comes home (no matter the time) so she doesn’t worry.
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I don't think there is anything you can do at this point but offer loving advice and support. She's going to have to live and learn for herself. I do think she should visit the states (and other countries/cities/etc.) to see what else life has to offer - it could have a profound effect. I don't know how she could be "forced" to do that though, given the circumstances. Gotta get a little creative w/ that one.
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